Raising kids with no community and little to no extended families
We live in a world with increasing access to luxury and technology however our lives aren’t getting easier in every way. There are many things that are getting harder. We used to raise kids with help from mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents and If you were lucky a whole communities. For most of us this sense of community is completely extinct. I personally long for this deeply. For most of us, not only is there no community - there is no extended family or immediate family willing or able to help support new life. It’s devastating to start a family in this situation- let alone to discover it along the way which I did. The notion of what I thought it would be crumbled before my sleep deprived eyes. My actual family and friends seemed to shrink as soon as this new responsibility was welcomed into my life. For those of us who were always the “child free helper” in the family, you may discover no one has the want, desire or ability to return the favor. So here I am wild eyed, sleepless with a bird nest for hair , rocking a colicky baby all through the night - realizing the village is dead.
How to be / Etre
How to be quiet / to be still / to focus / to discipline one’s self . I’m always telling myself to be calm.
The sky always really feels like it’s falling to me . I feel like the Little chicken story . My nervous system is always ready to collapse on me.
How do you stay focus on one item one goal one activity and do it everyday . That’s been so hard for me - being fooled by my moods or negative situations that working on anything is futile . That progress is impossible. Hopeless . That life is just bad and or you’re lucky or not and you should just give up why try ? You either have talent or you don’t. You either have “it” or you don’t . You are either too poor or too ugly or not talented enough or too isolated “you don’t know the right people “ just give up .
Journaling is the only way to focus for me or daily planner .
Write out your ideal day . Your ideal job career situation . Write it out over and over again . If you are like me - you will discover that you don’t know exactly what you want . You know more about what you don’t want because that’s all you focus on but there are infinite list of negative experiences outcomes the bad what ifs that I list to stop me from doing what I truly want . Let that go. Silence it . Don’t work hard on that part either . Go to the nearest cliff in my your mind and throw that bag labeled negative outcomes / what ifs - that you can pull like a magic trick - an endless scarf of bad things out of - throw it over into the dark . Gone baby gone. You really don’t need it . It’s not keeping you safe . Like you want it to / need it to / it’s keeping you stagnant / afloat maybe but not safe . Think of any of the bad things that actually did happen to you - that hat trick - didn’t stop it - it still hit you like a freight train .
Write out your ideal day / month / season (3-4 months / half year / full year etc etc . Write out your ideal relationship/ friendship/ social group / community group / family etc
Write out your ideal career . You can do this over and over again for the different aspects you want and you might find that 1. You don’t know some of the details - think about it and try to clarify things . Some things don’t need clarification. Some do. Depends on you . Sometimes you thought you always wanted won’t make sense. Scratch them . Pick something else or leave blank until it gets filled in. Somethings you never thought about will start to form questions and potentially be solved or allocated or brainstormed etc . Then feel your way around all those things - think of how great it would make you feel and how happy excited etc you would feel. Write down any actionable goals or steps you need to take to complete things . Many things will just be ideas or feelings or random wants (a fresh cup of coffee from my favorite cafe and a croissant every morning ) obviously you know how to buy a cup of coffee it’s just more of a vibe and situation for it to happen. Which isn’t super actionable for example I need to find a great cup of coffee shop that’s has a cool vibe and great coffee and croissants. I’m not literally going to hunt it down with vigor (although you certainly could ) and I also need to be able to afford the money for such a habit and the time ! - I personally wouldn’t make an actionable step for this but I would think of it often when I go to write my ideal journals bc it just gets me in a vibe of lesuire wealth freedom etc that I want for my life .
I spent so much time either in survival mode or being so upset about how things weren’t working out for me that I probably missed out on opportunities because I was blinded by disappointment frustration anxiety and depression
I have tunnel vision - when problems start happening I just focus on how difficult everything is - how nothing works out or no one helps me - how I always get the harder challenge and I look around and feel envious of the people I know - almost all of themehose situation seems easier better etc . Not necessarily their actions or outcome bi
But there circumstances are a lot easier and those are facts . That are hard to avoid and I get fixed fixated on it and I become angry . Obviously if I lived in a second or third world. Country if I compared my circumstances to theirs - mine would be much better . Peopjj look e would always say you need to have more p
Gratitude or start a gratitude journal . But it still doesn’t seem to explain the phenomenon. I actually started a gratitude journal in July of this year so I am practicing that . I need to work on mi consistency but I will update with progress if any If I continue it.
The Hotel LaVeque
Stretching far into the sky, piercing the sometimes bleak landscape of downtown Columbus - stands the beautiful and alluring Hotel LeVeque. A autograph collection, historical hotel from Marriot Hotels- it is a 4 star luxury hotel that everyone from the Midwest or visiting should experience at least once. This building also holds LVQ apartments, new and swanky apartments for Columbus residents who are lucky enough to live year round in a gorgeous historical building.
The Transformation of Motherhood
I wanted there to be a crash of lightning a sign an epiphany a profound moment and there was - and there wasn’t . During my c section, When I first heard him cry and the doctor said you have a perfect baby boy I sobbed out loud - tears of joy. That had never happened truly to me before yet shortly after I began convulsing and the anesthologist had to put me under. I think the moments were disrupted and the experience was physically and emotionally traumatizing for all 3 of us - although hopefully my son will not experience any of the effects . But I think that it sort of halted the transformation effects of motherhood for me/ it was only into the 5th month where I have started to feel closer to “normal “ for me during this immensely stressful and difficult transition into motherhood for me. I’m glad to come out of the confusion and darkness - it may have simply been a hormonal thing. I’m sure I’ll never know but I do feel a deep need to change some things about myself and my life .
Garden Tales
It’s the evening and I thought I would catch up on some photos of the garden/ backyard. As I said my partner just planted two new trees: a Dogwood and a Red Maple. He also got quite a few house plants which I will write a separate blog post about. I also wanted to include two photos of some plants I’m hoping we will include in the garden next year. I am in love with florals and wildflowers.
Flowers I’m thinking about for next year. Echinacea Cara Mia “Coral” and Garden Mum Fonti Dark Pink. I didn’t think I liked Mums until I saw these beauties. I don’t know if the photo does them justice but they are a gorgeous dusty pink.
Healing from a Traumatic Birth Experience
My delivery did not go as planned . It was a mostly lonely painful experience which ended in a traumatic emergency c section . After dilated only 2 cm in a 16 hours my labor was deemed as a failure to progress and after my baby and I had been on and off distress for 4 hours after the epidural (which left me numbed by shaking uncontrollably) the doctor decided to operate- which even though it was not my plan I definitely agreed . Ultimately my baby was delivered healthy. The first time I heard him cry was a miracle and surprisingly started sobbing as soon as the doctors said he was perfect . It was the best moment of my life even though the delivery went array . In hindsight I really wish sh I would bave done things differently. For weeks maybe months after the birth I would be in tears when simply Stating I had a c section . This was unlike me and I realized I must have been traumatized by the event . In my next delivery I decided I would save to have a doula. I will still deliver in a hospital but I am going to work with a doula to try to improve my birth experience. I had no family members at my delivery. Sadly being pregnant had revealed to me how little support I had from family . This is Wgt having a doula will be impactful to me. IF you have a lot of family and friends and strong support system or if you are just naturally good at birthing than maybe you would never need something like a doula but I definitely did. I spent hours alone and in pain . And the nurse I had was really cold Ans just kept asking me if I wanted ab epidural over and over . After 11 hours of labor I gave in only to discover that then Numb convulsions were almost worse and I was only 1cm more dilated.
For me the only healing has come over time. Also by speaking with others who have had similar birth stories . I felt like it was all my fault and I was so disappointed. Just hearing other people who struggled with the same experience and who told me really it’s not you’re fault - these things happen. Also women you haven’t had the experience but we’re just kind enough to say I’m sorry that happened to you and I understand why you were so upset. Things did not go the way you wanted - so it makes sense to be sad or upset. I’ve tried to learn what I can about how to have a better experience next time. I’m formulated a new strategy with more education , practicing for the big day, getting a doula and considering if in this next case that I don’t dilate on my own again and I’m still past the due date - to just schedule a c section . Since I’ve already had one now but the not knowing, getting an epidural and putting the baby in distress, inducing with chemicals that make the delivery more difficult - enduring an epidural that gives me convulsions- these are things I don’t want to happen and would rather just have another surgery. I was glad to hear that there are woman who had c sections initially who were able to have natural births later on. I hope that for myself. If you have had a traumatic birth I think finding someone to talk to whether it’s a friend, someone who has had similar experiences or a therapist can really help . I would recommend learning about the birth process more when you are ready and how you can potentially improve the experience as well as consider getting a doula.
Surgeon General says Parental Stress is a public health concern
Since I have an almost 10 month old I wanted to weigh in on this topic. I definitely agree that parental stress is a major issue in my life. I was lucky that I got 8 weeks of paid maternity leave and my partner also got 8 weeks of paid paternal leave. I also got an additional 4 weeks of unpaid FMLA leave which they called “baby bonding “. Unfortunately I attempted to work part time after that but it was too stressful for my bsby snd I . My son really didn’t enjoying switching to being bottle fed on the days that I went to work and I honestly couldn’t pump enough to switch over entirely to bottle feeding . I decided to quit and become a full time stay at home mom. Luckily my partner has a fairly good job, we had made conservative spending decisions . We both have used cars which are fully paid off, and we live in a neighborhood and house which isn’t our favorite but the mortgage is low and the property taxes are too. The area is safe, pleasant enough and close to at least one family member. However, as I’m sure I previously mentioned - both my partner and I’ s - mothers live between 1-2.5 hours away . This has been a major stressor for me as it has placed almost all of the childcare on me with no reprieve from any other female relative . I felt so isolated and hopeless in the early months because my son was colicky. He also had a lot of trouble sleeping - which he still has - so I was massively sleep deprived. Once I got him go exclusively breastfeed - he had terrible trouble with gas and stomach pain from formulas - he really didn’t want to take a bottle so that meant all the nights were my responsibility. The stress was so extreme. I had postpartum depression and went to my doctor and several other practitioners for help. They really only want to prescribe me an antidepressant but since I was still breastfeeding I refused. I decided to do talk therapy online with Better Help which wasn’t covered by my insurance but I could use my HSA. I did that for two months . My postpartum depression continued until 7 months which one night I considered seriously hurting myself. I was going to wake up my husband or call my mom. It was the middle of the night. I thought surely my son is better off without me. What if I hurt him or myself ? I am so tired and deranged and angry. I just wasn’t getting enough rest and dropping so much weight. My mind felt like it was falling apart. I prayed to God and I promised if I made it through the night and my baby was fine in the morning - things would be different. I decided they had to be because he needed me and no one in the world might be able to care for him as best as I could. If I took my life than I would be putting him at risk of never having a mother or having someone worse than me. It’s very dramatic but if you have had postpartum depression it is a common thought to think you are a horrible failure and your child is better off without you. This is often very far from the truth but sleep deprivation and parental stress can be so extreme especially when you have no extended family to help you. I have been through a major amount of stress is my life and by far I put parental postpartum stress right up at the top along with being in a severely abusive relationship. The difference between the two of course - one was planned for a deeply wanted and loved (my child) and the other was a horrible unwanted experience (abuse). Both felt like life threatening experiences at times. I know I needed much more help and support postpartum that I didn’t get. I even sought help which is difficult to do and all they wanted to do was give me pills. I hated that .
I feel like
…a failure today. I didn’t know that being a stay at home mom means that you have to watch the baby 24/7 with no reprieve including weekends. Change every diaper, do every feeding, bathe him, hold him while you pee or put him in a baby seat in the bathroom. And remember the baby can’t have any screen time. Also you must clean the whole house and cook every meal and do grocery shopping for every meal - hold your baby for every nap and sleep or else he’s hysterical . He won’t sit in a high chair for more than 5 minutes. He has to be held or he’s wants to be climbing over everything and trying to walk and falling and putting everything in his mouth. I looked at my phone yesterday to try to find the Montessori tool that cuts food into easily held finger foods for babies and I look up and the baby is biting on the other end of a dog antler toy while the basset hound is chewing on the other end. I was horrified. Full lady and the tramp. Why? This is my life now. And don’t forget no screen time for the baby. Don’t set him in front of Miss Rachel. And you’re terrified every time he falls or eats or makes any weird sound while he sleeps or coughs too long . All this with no sleep, no help, no dishwashing machine and truly not a single minute alone and yeah. Sorry the house is not clean. And the roast is too tough. Sorry. I’m a failure and you’re not. Better luck next life. You don’t know what you can’t do until you try I guess. You don’t know you’re bad at something unto you have to do it alone. I didn’t know how bad at this I would be. I feel like I’m falling apart. I lost the baby weight plus another 20 lbs. I have hot flashes I sleep maybe 4 hours a night and I honestly feel lightheaded and like I’m wasting away - withering away into a milk making baby carrier. I wish I was like those Instagram moms that have everything together or Martha Stewart. Why can’t I be like Martha Stewart with a pristine house and impeccable taste with fresh cookies baking in the background? Instead I can’t remember when the last time I took a shower or put my hair in these two braids. I do at least change my clothes and brush my teeth and wash my face while my baby screams in annoyance. Sometimes I remember sunscreen. I put mascara on the other day for the first time in I think 6 months. It’s fine. I was once patted on the back and told that things will get better. I know I am lucky to have a healthy baby. This is a blessing. I am healthy. My baby is well fed and growing appropriately. I have a safe place to stay. I have the luxury of stay home with my son. I give him kisses and smiles every day. I hug him and tell him I love him and how smart and strong he is. He doesn’t know how bad at this I am. He loves me anyways - even if the house is dirty. And I live to see him smile and laugh. His beautiful face . His innocent happy eyes when he’s crawling around and exploring things and experiencing things for the first time. He’s so very happy. He doesn’t know that my hair looks bad and I’m skinny and my skin is dry and horrible and sometimes I think I smell. He doesn’t know that sometimes I cry at night overwhelmed and disappointed and needing a lot more help. He’s happy and I’m happy for that. Maybe one day I will get better at all these things and he will be proud of me and I will be happy for more than just his beautiful smiling baby face. Maybe tomorrow will be different and I’ll be better at staying home and mommying stuff.
My son is a sleep terrorist
I am so sleep deprived. I swear my son hasn’t slept more than a few hours in a week. I can’t get a moments quiet . He’s always crying or whining. He won’t sit in a high chair or any confined seat. He won’t sleep without me holding him and nursing him. It’s kind of a nightmare. I would say he’s teething because he’s 10 months old and has no teeth but I never see any teeth and I’ve been saying that since he’s been 3 months old. I have no me time , no alone time . I feel like I can never get anything done. The work I need to do for myself is piling up. I am living off of little to zero self care other than shoveling food in my mouth so I can keep breastfeeding. Hardly any help. Maybe 30 minutes to 60 minutes a day my partner will watch him but not really all at once - just bits and pieces. It’s torture a lot of the time to have a baby like this with no help. I’m so frustrated and so annoyed . Yes he’s a blessing and yes he’s adorable but why won’t a 10 month old sleep more than 2-3 hours at once ? Why does he have to be held or breastfeed? I want to sleep train at this point but my partner doesn’t want to . But he’s definitely not the one staying up with him all night .
Always trying to get to joy
Explaining why I have a nerdy childlike ethusiasm when I’m happy . Joy was so rare to me . I was punished for joy around the two narcissistic I had contact with . My father and ex boyfriend . Joy wasn’t proper or appropriate or stuffy enough for my father. And any joy not about my ex was inappropriate and hurt his fragile sense of self and sense of ownership and possession over me I was only allowed to be happy if it was about him . I spent many years and the majority of my life unable to feel joy , and punished for when I rarely expressed it with emotional abuse. So even though I would love to be the cool girl / the nonchalant personality I am not. When I’m happy I’m wildly happy and I hold onto the feeling with all my might and try to amplify it as Much as possible. Always racing toward joy
Abandonment
Perceived and real. Old wounds. My reaction to my recent postpartum experience has made me realized that I have an Abandonment wound. Why it took me this long to realize this ? It’s crazy . My dad abandoned my family when I was 9 or 10 years old. So duh . A lot of my life I’ve spent pretending things didn’t bother me. I had to be tough . For myself and others . I wasn’t allowed to be vulnerable to some people, especially the narcissist in my life .
Epiphany: how I’m blocking travel and new experiences in my life
Even since I graduated college in my early twenties I would binge watch traveling shows. I dreamed of traveling the world, going exotic places but mostly learning different languages and cultures. Experiencing different perspectives first hand . But I never seemed to make it very far . I realized today one of the ways in which I am blocking travel in my life. Everytime I travel except when I was returning home when I lived in a different state - I am filled with anxiety . I feel a loss of control . I’m afraid we’re going to miss our flight or i overpack or I worried about what to pack or I look at a menu and i don’t know what to order or I order the wrong thing or I’m annoyed because the person I’m with wants ti relax in the hotel and I want to explore . Or the people in with don’t want to plan anything or they just hang out all day and don’t do any site seeing. I love to explore on vacation - try different restaurants, different cafes pastries shops shopping etc . Most of the people I go on trips with like to stay in the hotel or swim all day and do dinner . And to me the dreaded - stay in and watch a movie . Like why ? But anyways I feel like I’m anxious the whole time sometimes because I don’t feel safe and I’m annoyed and I just realized . I’m really not that fun to be around when I’m traveling . I realized if I did go to Paris or NYC - how would I act? When I was in my 20s I was too insecure, nervous shy and depressed to have truly enjoyed anything even Paris . I would have been constantly comparing myself to everyone and since I hated myself I would have had a miserable time. I also dated a horrible abusive narcissist at the time so it would have been a nightmare . But now my sense of scarcity is ruining trips. I feel like I travel so rarely that I have to make the most of every moment and it’s very tense and puts a lot of pressure on myself and others. I also feel like the lack of ability to speak up for myself and get what you I want without being pushy is very hard for me. I’ve always had to fight for my basic needs and rights as a person. Trusting my partner to not ignore what I want to do and not skip what I want to get out of the vacation is hard. Money is also a big factor . I feel bad about adding things to the itinerary because I don’t pay for much because I have a low income and now that I’m a SAHM no income . I need to clear theses blockades or I’ll never get to see the world. One thing I definitely need to do is find my feminine energy and tap into it. The anxiety and scarcity really needs to go. I need to be calm and trust . Trust in God, trust in myself and trust in my partners/ people that my needs will get met and that I will be lead appropriately. It’s hard to feel calmness in my energy. I’m trying to tell myself to act like I’ve had a glass of wine at all times . Chill . Relax. Sit back . Enjoy. Look around. Observe. Take things in before I start assessing, over analyzing, over thinking and over talking. Be still and be quiet. This is where the peace is. Not an overactive mind, body and nervous system. Trauma can make you feel constantly on guard and I’m just now realizing that I’ve pretty much lived my whole life like this. It’s stopping me from achieving my goals by subconsciously blocking them because I’m not on the right frequency. The Universe is not giving me what I want because I will either not appreciate it or enjoy if I actually got it right now. Even though I feel as though I desperately want it - my everyday energy does not match the experience so I can’t align. Even though I don’t know what it would feel like to travel to world you might think how can you match something you don’t know - all I know is anxiety, scarcity, irritation - all that does not match. I’m going to practice meditating on being the type of woman that travels and has a lot of unique and luxurious experiences , something that doesn’t worry about much especially money. I imagine she would be calm, kind, open, exciting, gracious happy abundant. Smiling, relaxed body language . Has faith confidence and positive expectations.
Not Good at Anything
Not much worried out for me in my adulthood except personal fitness . It’s always did really well in school and followed all the rules in life but I never had much skill or interest in technical skills. The only practical non artistic thing I wanted to do was become a doctor but I am terrified of blood and the vascular system so I gave up on that dream a long time ago. I was really good at gymnastics, pretty good at dance and I loved writing. I wouldn’t say that I was remarkable at anything. After college I got a trade job and gave up on dancing (against my will) and I never dedicated myself to writing consistently. The only thing that ever actually worked out for me as an adult was personal fitness. This makes me think maybe I should have a portion of my blog dedicated to fitness and basic nutrition or nutrition for weight loss. Although it isn’t my life passion weight lifting, muscle building and weight loss are subjects that really interest me and tend to come easily to me. These are subjects that interest many people and I could be some benefit if I shared my experiences and thoughts with others.
Acceptance and Control
I have to accept that there are so many things out of my control at this time. In fact the majority of my life right now is out of my control. I have to stop comparing my version of motherhood to others, especially those who have a lot more help than me or a lot more docile child. My son is rock and roll baby. He is a force to be reckoned with. Sometimes I feel like I am crumbling in the face of it. Some days I am so in love with this time, other days I want to smash my head into the wall because 99% of everything I have to do is so unbelievably frustrating, unsuccessful and completely thwarted by my teething 11 month old. I never thought being able to clean and finish all the dishes in the sink would give me so much peace. I know it’s cliche but I think I really need the Serenity Prayer right now.
Ghost
The silent almost subconscious pain if an emotionally neglectful parent. It haunts you but it’s almost like it’s not really there. It’s eerily traumatic . And it’s real but you can’t say oh well this and this bad thing happened to me so it makes sense I’m so traumatized or damaged. Instead you lived in a home where a parent never spoke to you , acknowledged you positively, constantly judged and criticized you, acted like you were a burden, the seen but not heard never said I love you. Never a positive compliment. Endless expectations, comparisons and needing you to impress them. Acting like you embarrassed them by making simple mistakes. Have you look and dress perfectly. Never hugging you . Telling you to quit if you are not perfect or first etc. expecting you to know things instead of them teaching you or guiding you. Name calling. Those things add you. No you’re not getting punched in the face but it feels like a punch in the gut.
I’m lost
At this point I’m 10 days behind my schedule of posting everyday and very close to 2 full months of writing / posting everyday or pretty much every 2-3 days. I just don’t nnje what the purpose of this is. Am I wasting my time with doing ineffectual thinned like j always do and not creating anything worthwhile? The idea to write everyday isn’t stupid . On days when I didn’t want to write anything , didn’t even think I had something to say - when I sat down to write because I hate this self imposed goal - more often than not. Something came out.
I have several blog posts I’ve started but haven’t finished due to interruptions. I will complete those then starting on November 3rd I will do weekly posts every Sunday .
My need to Control
Post for 11/3/24
One thing my son has stirred up or exposed in me - is my need to control. Right now this app I have says that he’s supposed to take 2 naos a day - although it seems that he is moving himself to 1 nap a day (or he’s acting erratic due to the teething issue) but if the app says he’s supposed to take two naps then I get upset when he skips one of these naps. It ruins my whole day. Whenever he acts fussy I try to lay him down for his nap that he “skipped” and it doesn’t work . I try this multiple times and get upset each time when I should just accept that he’s only doing one nap today . But I get so worried that he’s not sleeping enough or somethings wrong and it’s just is what it is. This is a very difficult concept for me- accepting things as they are. I don’t know why this is such a reoccurring issue for me. An inability to accept things that are outside of my control .
Dream life ….Peut-Etre Bebe
I realized a few days ago that I really am living part of my dream life right now. Even though the days are so difficult I am so blessed and overjoyed that I don’t have to work. My dream was to be a SAHM while my children were under school age. I didn’t want to put them in childcare. Being a mother is so much harder than I thought it would be and not having an income sucks. However, it’s so amazing to watch my baby grow everyday and being to love him and hold him. I still adore the snuggly breastfeeding moments, especially at nighttime. He’s not a very snuggly baby in general so I’m so happy when he’s sleepy and let’s me snuggle with him. I’m so blessed that I have some time to formulate a plan to bring in some income. I had an epiphany on something I can do which should require minimal input for me. I’m hoping to get some headway on this and have it up and running by June 2025. I’m going to try to create another vision board since I have some new goals that I’ve been mulling over lately. I want to see if a mood board gets some more energy in this ideas that I’m stirring up. I have time. I have love. I have my baby. I have safety, food and shelter. I have so many ways to explore building an income and career for myself while my baby is little. Everything takes at least twice as long but I’m making my way slowly and steadily. In love and blessings. In dreamy snuggles.
Maybe this is your dream life too…right now, if you look at things the right way. Just because not everything you want is happening all at once - doesn’t mean things are going bad or you are failing. Yes, one day it will all perfectly align and feel like spiritual magical bliss. But take your wins where and how you can. You may find that the bits of your dream life start to pile up and overflow. Maybe it’s a bit like picking berries in an orchard for some of us. One day you might look down and see you’re overflowing with realized dreams and promises.
Bisous mes Cheris.
XOXO
Beauty in Everything
Sometimes it’s hard to find the beauty in everything but that’s what I really want to do. I have to tell myself to be in better spirits. To make a very big effort to be positive. These are the magical days and moments of having children. I truly believe it’s a blessing but sleep deprivation and constant crying and can really get me in a funk mood wise. I’m also trying not to beat myself up about having a few bad days. I have no one really to vent to. No one to understand. I have to be allowed to lose my patience, to make mistakes. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad mother or love him any less. Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath. Everything can be beautiful. Even the sad or stressful moments. They can return to the beautiful way. My words will be beautiful. My thoughts will be beautiful. In beauty, may I walk. Once again.